My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
