i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
