i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
