I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
