I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
