you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
