come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
