I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
