totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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