i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
