The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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