Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
