apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
