I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
