We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
