i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
