I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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