It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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