apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
