2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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