I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
