I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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