My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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