R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
