I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
