dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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