don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
