bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I want a musical about memes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
