yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
