a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
