i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
as a side note pls kill me
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
