The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
