He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
