my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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