ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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