I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
