When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
