Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
