i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
