so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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