just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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