Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
