I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
