There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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