when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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