I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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