I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
