I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
