You can't motorboat a personality
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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