I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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